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Abandon Twits
General
Season №:
13
Episode №:
280a
U.S. viewers (millions):
0.32
Airdate:
 January 20, 2023
Chronology
Previous
"A Skin Wrinkle in Time"
Next
"Wallhalla"
This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Abandon Twits" from season 13, which aired on January 20, 2023.
[The episode opens with the Krusty Krab at night. SpongeBob and Squidward open the front doors and walk out, looking visibly exhausted.]
Squidward: End of another 18-hour shift of misery.
Mr. Krabs: Ooh! [closes doors] Ahoy there! [comes up in front of them and pokes them] And what do you two laddies have planned for this weekend?
SpongeBob: I'm polishing Gary's shell. [face turns into polishing machine as he polishes Squidward's face]
Squidward: Yah! [face glimmers, shakes head, pushing SpongeBob away] Well, I'm going to a post-post-pre-modern unconstructivist dance performance. [begins dancing]
Mr. Krabs: [unimpressed, seeing the flashing lights] Uh, well, that's fascinating. [grabbing onto both's shoulders] Hey, instead of that malarkey, what would you say to a leisurely weekend sailing trip on me brand-new yacht? Huh? [chuckles, waves hand, sunlight appears] The sun in your face. Huh?
SpongeBob: Ooh. [laughs as sunlight burns and dries him]
Mr. Krabs: [to Squidward] The wind in your-- uh, [rubs Squidward's forehead] head wrinkles.
Squidward: [sighs, forehead waves in wind] Hmm. Well, I wouldn't mind a nice, relaxing ocean cruise.
Mr. Krabs: Great. [walking away] I'll see you at the dock bright and early tomorrow morning.
French Narrator: [narrating time card] The next morning...
[Squidward, in his beach outfit, walks past a sign that says "GOO LAGOON."]
Squidward: [humming, groans as he notices SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: [in snorkel gear, humming alongside Squidward, meets Mr. Krabs in a sailor shirt] Mr. Krabs, I'm all [pulls inflatable around waist] dressed up and ready to... [puts on snorkel] snorkel.
Squidward: Wait a second.
SpongeBob: [off-screen as wide open shot of Goo Lagoon is shown] Uh, Mr. Krabs, where's your ship?
Squidward: Something smells fishy.
Mr. Krabs: [pushing giant box displaying a yacht] Don't get your mizzenmast in a twist. I got your ship right here. [pats box, opening it, which crushes SpongeBob and Squidward] [shrugging] Ahem, some assembly required.
Squidward: [gear on neck] We have to build the ship?
SpongeBob: [jumping in and out of parts] Yay! We get to build the ship!
Mr. Krabs: Pre-made vessels are for landlubbers. Real sailors build their own ships. Now get to work, you two. [SpongeBob and Squidward slide out, puts on hat] And as an old Navy man, [walking away] I'll be responsible for the most difficult part.
Squidward: And that would be?
Mr. Krabs: [next to lounge chair and umbrella with magazine] Supervising. [gets in lounge chair and begins snoring]
Squidward: [lifting gear from neck] Old Navy man? [tosses gear] Ha! More like old, lazy man. [sees SpongeBob isn't there anymore] Hmm. [sighs, walks over] Oh, boy. All right, let's get this over with. Now, where are the instructions?
SpongeBob: [emerging from parts] I'll find them!
[SpongeBob digs for the instructions, hitting Squidward with some of the parts, including an anchor that crushes him.]
SpongeBob: [holding instructions] Got them! [reading as Squidward gets up, dizzy] Hmm, step one.
Squidward: [snatches instructions] Give me that! [reading] Hmm--huh? [wind carries instructions away]
[The instructions get blown onto Grubby Grouper's boat, and gets shredded in its motor.]
Squidward: Now what are we supposed to do?
SpongeBob: [arm on Squidward] Don't worry, Squidward, [points to self] I know exactly how to handle this situation.
Squidward: Oh, really?
SpongeBob: We just need to [twirls, tossing instruction pieces into air] follow our hearts. ♪ La, la, la ♪
Squidward: Oh. [shreds of paper hit his face]
[Squidward pulls a string from the pile of parts.]
SpongeBob: [calling off-screen] Squidward, I did the first piece. [mast is floating mid-air]
Squidward: SpongeBob, you clam-head, you don't put up the mast first.
SpongeBob: [shouting] What's that, Squidward? [mast begins to fall]
Squidward: I said, "SpongeBob, you clam-head"-- [gets repeatedly hit into the ground by the mast, groans]
[SpongeBob uses a hammer to pry Squidward out from the ground, leaving him in a wonky shape.]
Squidward: You have to start with the frame.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Squidward holding a plank.]
Squidward: All right, now bend it into a boat shape. [both bend plank into arch, brushes plank before it launches him into the air] D'oh! [lands in the distance]
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob tickling a plank.]
SpongeBob: Tickle, tickle, tickle.
Squidward: SpongeBob, wood planks are not--
Wood plank: [grows a face and laughs, forms an arch]
Squidward: Ticklish. [gets hit with plank, he lands in the distance while he is screaming, and gets crushed by an anchor]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Many frame-building attempts later...
[SpongeBob walks up to a boat frame.]
SpongeBob: We did it, Squidward! [reaches out hand to an injured Squidward] Put her there.
Squidward: [weakly] Hooray. [shakes SpongeBob's hand with crutch]
[Then, the frame falls apart, sending several wood planks flying around. Squidward tries to dodge them using his dance techniques. He gets hit anyway, and lands inside Mr. Krabs' umbrella.]
Mr. Krabs: [wakes up, gasps] Huh? [growls at Squidward] What in the name of all that's salty are you doing? [holds up plank and bonks Squidward with it] You're wasting expensive lumber-er-er-er.
Squidward: We're trying to build the ship's frame, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Pfft. [grabs ship frame box from pile of parts] Building the frame? They give you one all ready to go.
SpongeBob: Ooh.
Mr. Krabs: [opening box, revealing yellow glow] Take a gander, boy-o.
SpongeBob: Ooh-- [gags as the ship frame enters him and takes form] [saluting] I'm shipshape, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Now get back to work. [walks off] The tide's going out.
[Squidward tries to get out of Mr. Krabs' umbrella, but Mr. Krabs opens the umbrella just as he is about to escape.]
Mr. Krabs: [sighs and goes back to sleep]
[Bubble transition to Squidward using a hammer on a wood plank on the frame. SpongeBob jumps out of a bowl of nails and uses his holes to spread them along the top of the frame. He grabs two hammers and hammers them all in, except one of them doesn't go in all the way. SpongeBob tries to hammer it in, but it doesn't work.]
SpongeBob: [eyeing nail] Oh, a stubborn one, eh?
[Squidward pushes a wood plank into place and hammers it. SpongeBob spits into his hands, rubs them together, and picks up the hammer, which he uses to hammer down the nail hard. This causes the plank Squidward hammered in to come loose and hit in in the face. SpongeBob continues to violently hammer in the nail while Squidward carries a wood plank. A ship part hits his head.]
Squidward: Huh? Whoa!
[Squidward tries to dodge a wood plank as it drops as well. A paint bucket lands on the other end of the plank and launches him into the air. He drops to the ground, and the paint bucket gets launched into the air as it lands directly onto his head.]
Squidward: [stands up, groaning as paint is on his face]
[A rope drops onto Squidward, which quickly begins to entangle him.]
Squidward: Huh?
[An anchor drops onto Squidward's head, making him dizzy and see Squidward sailors spinning on his head.]
SpongeBob: [off-screen] Squidward! [Squidward shakes his head] [waving from top of frame] Did you see an anchor? I think I dropped one.
Squidward: [stands up] Why don't we switch places? [points to SpongeBob then to the ground] You work down here and [points to himself then to SpongeBob] I'll work up there.
[Bubble transition to Squidward hammering in a nail.]
Squidward: [sighs] Much safer. Never work below an idiot.
SpongeBob: [off-screen] Oops! Look out above!
Squidward: Above? [a concrete brick, a tire, and a refrigerator land on him] That's it!
[Squidward picks up a hook and throws it onto SpongeBob working below. It hooks onto his pants.]
SpongeBob: Huh? [gets pulled up by Squidward, who growls at him] Oh, hi, Squidward. Have you seen a safe up here? I think I dropped it.
Squidward: [safe drops onto him, opens up safe door] [growls] From now on, you're working next to me where I can keep an eye on you.
SpongeBob: [gets up] Aw, that's so sweet, Squidward. [hugs Squidward, who gets hit by a hammer landing on his head, causing an explosion]
French Narrator: [narrating time card] Even more boat-building attempts later...
[SpongeBob is standing on the ground in awe.]
SpongeBob: Wow. [hollering] Mr. Krabs, your ship is finished!
Squidward: [rolling in, severely injured and in a wheelchair] We use the term "ship" very loosely.
[Mr. Krabs pushes the ship box out of the way to reveal a very poorly put-together ship.]
Mr. Krabs: Hmm, a little off the beam. Hmm... Hmm, [holds two white paint buckets] I know! All she needs is a nice, shiny coat of paint. [tosses white paint onto the ship, turning it into a proper ship] [looking at sign on ship that says "S.S. SEA-SCRET FORMULA"] The S.S. Sea-cret Formula is ready to set sail... [pointing] as soon as you two drag her into the lagoon.
[Mr. Krabs stands on the front of the ship as SpongeBob and Squidward use strings to pull the ship across the beach, where the beachgoers are watching them.]
Mr. Krabs: Mush!
SpongeBob and Squidward: [seeing giant shadow above] Huh?
[They all get washed over by a giant wave, which miraculously sets the ship afloat. Mr. Krabs uses a hook to pull Squidward onto the ship, who gasps like a fish.]
Squidward: [sitting in lounge chair] Well, at least this weekend isn't a total waste.
Mr. Krabs: Not so fast, Mr. Squidward. [pointing to Squidward] You still have work to do. [climbs onto top of ship]
Squidward: Huh? Work?
Mr. Krabs: [reveals mast with Krusty Krab's logo on it] Welcome to the grand opening of the Krusty Krab of the high seas... and even higher prices. [laughs, winks]
Squidward: Huh! Forget it! [crosses arms] I am not moving from this spot.
Mr. Krabs: No problem. [pulls rope that puts Squidward in his cash register]
Squidward: Huh?
[Squidward's employee hat is put on, The Gallery Grub menu appears, and SpongeBob puts in the kitchen window frame.]
SpongeBob: How exciting, Squidward! I get to flip patties and be-- [gags] Seasick at the same time. [throws up off-screen]
Squidward: We're not gonna sell any food in the middle of a lagoon!
Patrick: [in snorkel outfit, washing up in front of Squidward] I'd like one Krabby Patty combo [points] with extra combo on it.
[Patrick gives Squidward a dollar, and SpongeBob starts flipping patties in the kitchen. He sets Patrick's meal on the kitchen window and rings the bell. SpongeBob then gags and throws up again.]
Squidward: [giving Patrick his tray] Your order.
Patrick: At ease, sailor. [puts on snorkel and drinks through it as he walks off]
Squidward: [sighs]
Patrick: [tries to use diving board, but fails and falls into the ocean]
Mr. Krabs: [steering the ship while humming]
[SpongeBob greets Mr. Krabs, who winks at him as he cranks the steering wheel. SpongeBob salutes him, then jumps down attached to a rope with a plate of Krabby Patties.]
SpongeBob: Whee!
[SpongeBob tosses a patty to a customer, who gives him a gesture. SpongeBob laughs as he gives two patties to two snorkelers, which use their snorkels to eat them.]
Snorkelers: Mmm!
[SpongeBob heads back up to the top of the ship as he throws several patties to some women in a pyramid formation holding onto a motorboat with a shrimp driving it. The women all form a heart shape after they eat their patties. SpongeBob throws some more patties to two children inside an orca's mouth, which shuts. Squidward's cash register raises up as SpongeBob gives a patty to a flying customer. Squidward isn't paying attention and is reading a magazine.]
Customer: Ooh. [eats patty and gives SpongeBob a dollar as he flies away]
SpongeBob: [puts dollar into register] Huh? [uses monocular] Hmm... I didn't know there was an island in Goo Lagoon. [sees Bubble Bass playing in the ocean, who laughs] Huh? [points ahead] Butt-berg, dead ahead!
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] Huh? [grabs onto steering wheel] Everyone, hold fast!
SpongeBob: [climbing onto mast] Whoa! [screams and rings bell]
[Squidward raises his sunglasses and looks at SpongeBob. The ship's horn blows as Bubble Bass notices it approaching him.]
Bubble Bass: Great Neptune's nose hair!
Mr. Krabs: [screams, bumps into steering wheel]
SpongeBob: [screams while ringing bell, causing the ship to tilt forwards and make Squidward bump into the register]
[Bubble Bass' butt scrapes the side of the ship, peeling off its exterior. Bubble Bass then stops and looks at the damage.]
Bubble Bass: Hmm...
[The ship begins to sink, and Squidward plays "Taps" on his clarinet.]
Bubble Bass: [waving dollar] One double Krabby Patty, please.
[Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into dollar bills as he fully sinks. SpongeBob gives Bubble Bass his patty, who eats it and paddles away. Squidward finally fully sinks into the ocean. The scene fades to an open shot of the lagoon at sunset, as a woman shuts the door to a tiki booth and walks off. The scene fades to near the Goo Lagoon sign, where the screen darkens as the sun sets. Bubbles form on the surface of the lagoon, and the ship emerges, which is being held by the wise kraken.]
Wise kraken: [roars, goes back to normal] Give me all the Krabby Patties you got, kid. Oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat at the Chum Bucket and like it. Boy, I'll tell you-- [camera irises out on ship]
SpongeBob: [gags]
Squidward: [sighs] Oh, boy.
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